Why the “hasslers” in your life are ageing you prematurely

… and how to cope with their toxicity

Hello,

In this week’s 60-Second Psychology, I’d like to talk about the effects of the hasslers in your social circle – the people who bring trouble and discord into your existence. They could be family, friends, or colleagues. Most people have at least one hassler in their social circle: the childhood acquaintance who needlessly criticises you when you’re already down, or the sibling who drags you unwillingly into their psychodramas.

Hasslers can leave us feeling depressed or frazzled each time we see them, and over the long term, this may lead us to age prematurely. That’s the remarkable claim of a new paper by Byungkyu Lee, assistant professor of sociology at New York University, and a co-director of the Networks in Context lab. To measure biological ageing, he analysed people’s “epigenetic clock”, which is known to predict many age-related illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes, and people’s overall chance of death. And the more hasslers someone has in their network, the faster that clock ticks.

I recently covered Lee’s paper for a New Scientist news story – but there was so much more to tell. Here’s a previously unpublished Q&A with Lee about the inspiration for the study, its practical implications, and the ways that we might deal with hasslers in our own lives.

DR: What inspired your paper?

BL: My research focuses on how our social environments and social relationships shape health and well-being. Much of the existing work has looked at whether people have close relationships or whether they receive support, and how they matter. A general consensus is that social connection tends to be protective, while isolation can be harmful. But my earlier research has found that relationships are more complex than just "supportive" or "absent." For example, in one study, I found that having extremely depressed peers in the same grade increased depression in adolescents even if they were not directly connected to those peers. However, being around non-depressed peers had little effect.

BK Lee is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at New York University, and a co-Director of the Networks in Context lab.

Social influence is not always reciprocal, which made me wonder whether negative relationships may have stronger effects than we realise. The Person-to-Person (P2P) Study we used here has a rare combination of both positive and negative network data alongside rich biological measures, including epigenetic clocks. So, we finally had the tools to explore that question.

DR: How do you define a hassler?

BL: Participants first listed their close social contacts from the past six months using five different "name generators" covering confidantes, health discussants, health regulators, regular companions, and hasslers. For each person they named, we then asked: "How often has [name] hassled you, caused problems, or made life difficult?" We define "hasslers" as anyone marked "occasionally" or "often" rather than "rarely" or "never.” Importantly, we distinguish between two types of hasslers: "sole hasslers" who are purely negative without providing any other supportive functions, and "ambivalent hasslers" who both cause problems and provide some form of support. This distinction turned out to be crucial. We found that most hasslers (18.8% of network members) are ambivalent, while only 5.1% are solely negative.

DR: How can we assess someone’s “biological” age?

BL: Epigenetic clocks measure biological ageing by analysing tiny chemical changes on your DNA called methylation marks. These marks don't change your genes, but they influence how your genes are turned on or off. As we age, the pattern of these marks shifts in predictable ways. Researchers have used large studies to figure out which specific methylation patterns are linked to ageing and health risks. They then build models, called "epigenetic clocks", that can estimate the rate and speed of biological ageing: how biologically old your body is compared to your chronological age or how fast you're currently ageing. These clocks are based on a simple blood or saliva test and provide a molecular snapshot of how well your body is holding up over time beyond your chronological age.

DR: What did you find?

BL: We find that hasslers are surprisingly common. On average, 24.3% of people's close network members are hasslers, and over half of adults (50.8%) report having at least one hassler among their closest contacts. Only 1.3% of people reported complete social isolation.

The biological effects of these negative ties are substantial and increase with exposure. Each additional hassler means that a person's biological age appears about 2.5 months older than expected for their chronological age. At the same time, their pace of ageing rises by about 0.5% faster rate of biological ageing.

We should be wary of people who bring unwanted stress into our lives; they may be ageing us (Photo by Mina Rad on Unsplash)

The effects become dramatically more pronounced when hasslers make up 50% or more of someone's social network: a person's body appears over a year biologically older than expected for their age, and the pace of ageing increases by about 3%. It’s similar to adding an extra 11 days of biological wear and tear each year. The biological impact of having a high proportion of hasslers in one's social network is comparable in magnitude to the difference between never-smokers and ever-smokers.

Crucially, not all hasslers are equal. Ambivalent hasslers who provide both support and stress showed strong associations with accelerated ageing, while sole hasslers showed no significant effects. Further, the health impacts extend far beyond epigenetic ageing. A higher percentage of hasslers predicted worse self-rated health, elevated anxiety and depression scores, higher inflammation markers, increased multimorbidity, higher BMI, and greater waist-to-hip ratios.

DR: What are the potential mechanisms behind this link?

BL: Negative social interactions can function as chronic stressors that repeatedly activate the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis and sympathetic nervous system. This triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol. While these help manage immediate challenges, chronic activation leads to systemic inflammation, immune dysregulation, and what we call "allostatic load" – cumulative wear and tear from repeated stress responses. Our findings support this theoretical framework. We observed significant associations between exposure to hasslers and both mental health symptoms (such as anxiety and depression) and inflammatory markers, which offers indirect evidence for these stress-related biological pathways.

Ambivalent hasslers show stronger effects than sole hasslers, likely because of their embeddedness in one's networks. The same person who comforts you today might criticise you tomorrow, creating more physiological damage than relationships you can simply categorise as bad and potentially avoid. Pure negative ties may actually be easier to psychologically and physiologically compartmentalise.

DR: What kinds of interventions could reduce the impact of these negative relationships?

BL: I am a sociologist, and sociologists are better at identifying social problems than designing interventions. Nevertheless, I think that our findings point to an important area for practical action: managing relationship strain. The solution isn't necessarily to encourage people to cut off difficult ties, especially since many hasslers are family members or close friends who are deeply embedded in our lives. Instead, what's needed is skills and strategies to navigate complex or ambivalent relationships, rather than to avoid them entirely. One practical implication for healthcare providers is to go beyond the standard question, "who supports you?" and also ask, "who in your life consistently causes stress or problems?" This simple question could lead to conversations which help individuals reflect on their social networks and identify potential sources of strain, and healthcare providers better identify individuals at risk.

We can dilute the toxic effects of hasslers by adding more supportive relationships to our social circle (Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash)

At the same time, our data suggest that the proportion of hasslers in a person's network matters, not just the number. The effects are nonlinear, which means that one hassler in a large, diverse social network may be less harmful than having just a few hasslers in a smaller network. This highlights the potential value of community-based interventions that help people broaden their supportive social circles. Programs that foster connection through hobbies, volunteering, or mutual aid can increase access to positive relationships, diluting the relative impact of hasslers and providing alternative sources of emotional support. In short, expanding and diversifying one's social network may be a powerful buffer against the biological toll of chronic relationship stress.

DR: How would you advise people to deal with the hasslers who are currently in their lives?

BL: It is important to remember that hasslers are common. It is not just you. About half of the individuals report having at least one hassler in their close social networks. Many of these individuals are deeply embedded in our lives—family members, long-time friends, coworkers – making them difficult to simply avoid or remove.

The first step is to acknowledge their presence and their impact on your well-being. Once you recognise who the hasslers are in your life, you can begin to develop coping strategies that are realistic and tailored to your specific situation. That might include setting boundaries, managing your emotional responses, or seeking support from others when interactions become stressful. At the same time, it can be just as important to invest in building new, positive relationships. Expanding your network with supportive, low-conflict connections through activities like volunteering, shared hobbies, or community groups can help offset the effects of difficult ties and bring more balance to your social world.

---

That’s all for this week! If you like what you read, please consider subscribing or sharing this newsletter with someone who may enjoy it.

Have a great weekend!

David x