“Echoism” – the lasting effects of living with a narcissist
Plus: What your nose says about your brain
Hello, and welcome to 60-Second Psychology.
Today’s edition is all about narcissism and its sister, echoism.
You may already be familiar with the fate of Narcissus in Roman literature. Ovid tells the story of a young man who was famed for his beauty but rejects everyone who approaches him. In a pique of anger, one of his spurned suitors asks Nemesis, the goddess of justice, to curse Narcissus so that he will fall in love with his own reflection. After wandering through the woods, he finds a pool of water that mirrors his lovely face. He cannot draw himself away and stays there for days on end in rapt admiration, until the Earth consumes him – and all that is left is a bank of flowers.
Many of us forget the story of Echo, however – a wood nymph whose fate was entangled with Narcissus. Echo is cursed by Hera, Zeus’s wife, for having helped to cover up one of his many affairs. The punishment involves the loss of independent speech – from then on, Echo can only repeat the last thing that anyone has said to her.
Echo’s and Narcissus’s paths cross just before he meets his reflection. Echo – like everyone else – falls madly in love but, thanks to her curse, she does not have the power to declare it. Instead, she simply repeats everything that Narcissus says – including all of his professions of admiration at the side of the pool. As he wastes away, so does she, until all that is left is a trace of her voice.
For the past 100 years, psychologists have used the term narcissism to describe a personality trait characterised by a grandiose self-regard, a desperate need for attention, a wish to manipulate others for their own end, and a lack of empathy for the consequences. In excess, this can lead to a clinical diagnosis of “narcissistic personality disorder” (NPD) – and it is often associated with coercive and cruel behaviour to romantic partners and family members.
Such ideas have found great popularity online: narcissism is now the subject of numerous popular psychology books, podcasts, and Instagram accounts. It is only relatively recently, however, that psychologists have explored the other side of the myth, using the concept of “echoism” to describe the lost sense of self that is often found in people living with narcissists.
“Patients to whom I apply this term lack what I call an own-voice, and are without a strong sense of self, echoists are often quiet, unable to take space, or are likely to adapt themselves to the perceived wishes of others,” writes the psychotherapist Donna Christina Savery in her book Echoism: The Silenced Response to Narcissism.
“For every narcissistic individual,” she continues, “there is usually an echoistic partner and any number of dependents. As the narcissist can often relate to himself as the only real subject, it raises interesting questions as to what happens to the children of such individuals, and as to who would choose a narcissist for a partner or friend and why this may be… As narcissism is one of the most widely discussed concepts, it seemed strange to me that there was not an equivalent body of literature regarding those who are found in relation to narcissists, either by choice or through birth.”
Echoism is often a survival strategy: the victim must shrink to allow the narcissist to flourish, and if they ever do raise their voice, it is only to repeat what the other person has told them. (After all, narcissists can become emotionally or physically abusive when they feel that their authority is being questioned, however unfounded their sense of superiority may be.) As a result, they may become eternal people-pleasers, with a fear of asserting themselves in any situation.
Such behaviours may emerge in childhood. As the psychotherapist Craig Malkin puts it: “Echoists learn that to have a connection with their narcissistic parent, who bristles or collapses in tears at any suggestion they’ve made a mistake, they need to bury their own needs and feelings and never suggest they need more attention or care than they’re getting.”
I’d suspect that many people who learned echoism from their parents come to live with narcissists as adults: they simply move from one domineering individual to another because it is all they have known.
If you think any of this applies to you, please consider seeking professional guidance. See Through NPD in the UK has lots of resources, for example, as does the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Center in the US.
(And if you are interested in learning more about the myth of Narcissus and Echo, I’d thoroughly recommend the first episode of Alex Andreou’s Podyssey – available wherever you get your podcasts.)
How smell training could fend off dementia
I’ve got a cover feature in this week’s issue of New Scientist examining smell, our most neglected sense. Emerging research suggests lost sensitivity in our noses may be a common cause of dementia. Some studies have even found that your performance on sniff tests is a better predictor of the disease than cognitive examinations.
The piece is behind a paywall, but you can also view this short video I made with my editor, Linda Rodriguez-McRobbie, on the exciting evidence that smell training can reverse the damage.
That’s all for this week. Please do forward this newsletter to anyone who might be interested, or click subscribe if you’d like weekly doses of evidence-based advice. You can also support me by buying my books; my latest, The Laws of Connection, is out in paperback in the UK in two weeks. (US readers can get the hardback, ebook or audiobook here.)
Have a good weekend!
David x
Love your writing